A Few Reasons I Cannot Breathe

Someone get me an oxygen tank, because I can't breathe. There are things that cause an inability to perform even the most basic involuntary action of a human being, taking a breath of air without choking on the fumes from the day's creepiness, bullshit, and most importantly... my own idiocy. My breathing ineptitude comes in the form of fake panic attacks, laughing fits so hard that I simply cannot continue to live out of embarrassment for myself. This rendezvous of monstrosity is typically a daily occurrence. They are in no particular order and each imbecilic bestowal upon me causes me to die a little inside at equal velocities. And here we go:

 "Right-of-wayers"- this isn't in quotes like on paper quotes.....these are air quotes, people. I am air quoting because what the fuck. I let you proceed before I do while coming to a stop sign or what have you, even though I clearly arrived first and your subsequent poky proceedings scream back at me "I jus don' give a fuk, imma take mah tyme!!!" Don't you dare get me started on bicyclists, I don't give the them the right of way, they take it and they take it like candy from a baby. Hey, Pedestrians by allllllllll meannnsssss move at a glacial pace, I have nowhere to be. no, really. seriously. dont worry about it. no, no, no. no need to get off your phone. no, come onnn no need to scoot across the street. my car is made out of kryptonite and I have spiderman on speed dial, it doesn't evennn matter that I'm about to get t-boned by a semi-truck. bitches.

Realizing I've Been Unknowingly Listening to Mexican Banda Music In My Car For The Past 30 Minutes- listening to the Macarena is one thing but unknowingly (and loudly) listening to Banda or Mariachi music and even grooving along in the car is a whole 'nother quandary. And I wonder why my drunken texts or even more shaming... my sober texts are littered with Spanglish (i.e... thank you, thank you, graciassss. what are you doing chica? ....etc). If you can take anything from this post = stay clear of me on the road, my absent mindedness is clearly uncultivated more than you could ever comprehend. 

More to come...