Bicycle Bitches

Living in a wealthy community such as Malibu it is only right that we have and will continue to be one of the leaders in the greater Los Angeles Area in funding research for widespread diseases. Well have your heard about Bicyclists? Oh yes, its this new disease where human beings have actually fused together with black/and or multi-color spandex and ride aimlessly into oncoming traffic. Perhaps their inner-ears have been damaged causing serious Vertigo and they are unaware of where they are going or that they are acting like a car. Or maybe they're born with it or maybe its the spandex cutting off circulation to their brains, perhaps blood flow is being rerouting to their over-sized calves. Who knows! I'll def have to Web MD that shit, cause I know I'll need an excuse for my insurance company as to why I should NOT be responsible for my imminent car crash caused by fucking bicyclists acting like they own the road. Not only must we find a cure for this epidemic, but take preventative measures to ensure these two-wheeling granola eating dipshits are off the road for good. I'm thinking castration, immediately stopping the production of spandex, quarantine (to stop the further spread of) or sending them to the Isle of Lepers. Systematic elimination would be the last resort. This sickness is spreading in the media and among celebrities and is influencing youth as well as middle aged men. The funny thing is, is that they have nowhere to be (indicated by the time of day they're biking around, which would be...all day or mainly during prime-clusterfuck of PCH traffic) and therefore should be in no hurry to cut me off and take up the entire lane. Get a motorcycle or something, something thats cool with a side car or an extra seat to put some hot bitch who looks like Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter. When you pass them they look at you like "how dare you"...how dare I? Uh, have you heard of the bike lane? Hence the name...BIKE in YOUR lane or get a car. So please folks, join me in raising money to cure this wretched bicycle disease before it spreads to your loved one.

Frat Bitches

"Didn't you wear that shirt on Tuesday?"...said the knuckle-dragging neanderthalistic (I made that word up) frat boy when I walked past him today. Speechless. I was effing speechless. DON'T YOU WEAR THAT STUPID FACE EVERYDAY? And you actually wear that same dirty fugly ass hat backwards or sideways each day in class, but I don't call you out on your fashion faux-pas. Or the polo you wear with such wanna-be swagger, complete with oakleys (bahahahha) neatly hung on your collar and flip-flops. I wanted to kick him in the vajay. Thats right...vajay. Because only a female would notice something such as a clothing double-dip in the same week. I don't know your name, I don't know where you come from, BUT I guarantee I do know you're listening to Avril Lavigne's "Sk8ter Boi" on your ipod right now. As I felt the pig's blood run down my face I waited for my telekinesis to kick in, much to my dismay it did not. I would have really liked for him to fall down the stairs (don't worry he would have safely landed on one of his 12 packs of fat) and roll away into the Pacific. 

Classroom Bitches

Bob Dole and John McCain's love-child aka my teacher; a semi-bitter, youth-hating educator shuffled across the classroom. Humming but humming no particular song just doing it cause he damn pleases. I couldn't quite figure out why he was doing this, but then again as a lecturer it is ingrained in his being to love the sound of his own voice. Somewhere in his monotonous mouth diarrhea and he decided to switch it up.  He got really tensed up about whatever drivel he was blabbing about and shot his laser beam eye sockets in my direction. Usually its someone else instead of me but NO. Today it was my turn to do the awkward Mexican eyeball stand-off. Fuck. As his eyes grew larger and his voice louder I desperately wanted to scream "FUCK IT!" and run out of the classroom, its just that vomit-inducing type of awkward. On a typical day I'd sit in the front row to be a kiss-ass but this time it really back-fired in my face... literally. I'll would way rather sit in the back, lest I am forced to do Matrix style maneuvers to avoid your spittle as it flies out of your face. He purposely pronounces the word Paris as "Paree"  or mature as "matoor", gahhhhd shut uppppp we know you're educated and shit no need to tap dance while you're up there. Amidst dodging your spit bullets, I am writing as fast as I can (since he does not allow us to use a computer to take notes) and I can feel my creeping carpal tunnel syndrome in my wrist...for which I will hate him forever. I quickly glanced away to escape his corneas but my efforts were futile. A whole 7 seconds later I looked back up and to my horror he was still staring at me sending death beams of boredom to my brain. When he's not off on a tangent his head seems to bobble to the beat of his voice. Or when he's not speaking directly to me, he is pacing back and forth walking to and fro from his podium to the desks. In reality he's just getting his eye level genitalia farrrrr to close to my face as I tremble in the front row. But usually I spend more time thinking about this ginger I pass on my way to class...perhaps the weirdest looking human being on the face of this earth. I must be friends with it. You could probably write a screen play on the weird shit that floats around his dome. I would legit take up the hobby of watercolors just to paint him, like Leo did. 

Greedy Homeless Bitches

Um yuh sleep in an underpass and you smell like piss, but you won't take the rice I so kindly tried to give you? NO. Instead you want the entree, uh-uh sweetie it ain't happenin'. I walked out of a chinese restaurant in Marina Del Rey and had rice that I wasn't going to eat since I like haven't had a carb since like 2001 and I offered it to him. He gawked at me as if I had just offered him cat shit on a plate. WTF is it with greedy-ass homeless people in LA? I offer you $2 you want a 20, all you want is MORE MORE MORE. Your lovely yellow hair and your tales-from-the-crypt keeper cape shook with anger when I declined to give you what I had ordered for myself. You threw the rice cup back at me. I vacillated over the idea of stealing your cup of change and buying a drum of rice and then forcing you to eat it. I'm not being self-righteous but when you do a damn good thing you at least deserve a little damn smile in return. And I don't usually feel the need to drive my little self-righteous cab round-town and toot my own horn.... but toot effing toot. And its like instead of waving his little homeless hand back at me he flips the bird. Well eff you right back Mr. Happy, I know you may have a pooped your pants during our scuffle but you should just walk away right? NO. He proceeds to chase me away. HOW...seriously how do you become greedy and want more when you don't really have anything? What happened to a "please and thank you miss" how about a "god bless you", shit I donate like a million dollars to the homeless teen funds that those people who are on every corner send you into a pity spiral if you dont. (OH AND THATS ANOTHER THING..."oh sorry I don't have any cash" WHY DO THEY TAKE CHECK AND CARDS NOW TOO?) So long story short NO, I will not buy your oranges (unless you have a dog) when I drive by anymore...in fact I'm gunna steal your markers you use to make signs. How dareeeeeeeeeeee you reject my rice. 

STARBUCKS, MEIN KAMPF

As I waltzed into Starbucks this shitty morning, supporting my local Pavilions as well as my Java addiction I was stopped dead in my tracks. "YOU!" I said, clearly forgetting that I have problems controlling my inner-monologue (hence the bitch blogging) . For my fellow Pepperdine students as well as Malibu locals who know that random dude that works at Starbucks (for these purposes we'll name him paininmyass because we all know looking at his name tag straight in the eye would burn my corneas straight through my head with some sort of paininmyass magic) was standing straight in front of me. Good God, do I kick him in the shin and run the other way? No. I needed my coffee fix or it would have sadly been someone else who had to perish. He started doing this "disco" dance move gyrating and using his index finger, proceeded to move his arm diagonally. Before I could even comprehend wtf he was doing he oozed out of his mouth, "You look like you're going to a Disco" pointing to my shiny shirt. I died a little inside, I'm not going to lie. I said a little prayer that he was busy doing something else and not actually working at Starbucks. How wrong I was. He skipped past me behind the counter and proceeded to purposely stare me straight in the eyes. I was in NO MOOD for his shenanigans needless to say so I quickly gave him my order. Paininmyass proceeds to tell me "They're out of coffee". Holding myself back from climbing across the counter and driving a straw into his eye, I just stared back. He waited and then started hysterically laughing while everyone else behind me watching in horror. SINCE WHEN DOES ON THE STARBUCKS JOB APPLICATION MAKE "ANNOYING AS FUCK" A REQUIREMENT. Attention all Baristas.... can I get a little shut the hell up before 10 am? HELLO Paininmyass we are not friends, we will never be friends. 

Anyways he goes to hand me my drink and as my little heart lit up with joy, the mofo snatches it back. Oh wow. What I really wanted to do was throw it in his face, buttttttt I decided to wait patiently for him to tire his one brain cell out with stupid jokes and hand me my drink. I glanced at my phone, 1050. OH NO, YOU DIDNT. I had to get to class and park by 11. I go to run out of that bitch and I heard him, "Wait! You forgot something" I ran back. NOTHING. I left nothing. GOD DAMN IT. He cackled again and once again I died a little inside. I am boycotting Pavilions Starbucks. Cant a girl get a Venti Sugar-Free-Vanilla Soy Latte without this drama? 

Welcome Bitches to My Bitch Blog. If you're looking for random bits of bitch, then you've come to the right place. Someone give you the stink-eye in the check out line? Lets bitch about it. I'll share, you share and we've got something straight out of Sesame Street. <3