People with Weird Names

Why are people with weird or "different" names so annoying? I mean I hear you talking about it before the teacher takes roll on the first day of class, I hear you giggle, sigh loudly or bitch about it when our teacher chokes on the flem that is produced when trying to speak your name. There is always that subsequent response, "My friends call me this," or "Just call me this" and its always worse than the individual's real name to begin with... Mental note, not to EVER speak to you, lest I am forced to mispronounce your name and never hear the end of it. It's not edgy, its dumb. And I will most likely try to avoid the fateful day when its comes time for group projects, as I assume your parents obvious stupidity which resulted in the odd misspelling of your name, has most likely been passed through on to you. FUCK, you're in my group. WHY, you ask? Oh, I know why, because my teacher facilitates this inevitable pseudo "friendship" that last for approximately three weeks, because I too have had an awkward first day when it comes time for roll call. We share some sort of sick, twisted common ground. Cameron? My teacher looks around for some dude with a beer gut. ITS ELEMENTARY MY DEAR WATSON! Is it possible that my parents too could have made the portentous decision to name me after a boy? Actually I think I was named after some slutty girlfriend my uncle had in college, or her dog...I forget. And then when I raise my hand my teacher smiles awwwww. LOOK WHO WE GOT UP THERE CLASS....FUCKING NANCY DREW! Yeah I'm a chick. But instead of correcting my teacher and say its "Cami," I'll avoid the hooker names that come along with the misunderstanding of when I correct them. "Candy?" NO. "Tammy" NO. "Kimmie" NO. "Sandy" NO!!! Why did your parents just changed that last letter, OHHH sweet baby jeebus how it would spare me the mental torment, how it would not physically hurt me to hear your name. Leonard I hate you, oh I'm sorry its pronounced LEO-noard.

Classroom Bitches

Bob Dole and John McCain's love-child aka my teacher; a semi-bitter, youth-hating educator shuffled across the classroom. Humming but humming no particular song just doing it cause he damn pleases. I couldn't quite figure out why he was doing this, but then again as a lecturer it is ingrained in his being to love the sound of his own voice. Somewhere in his monotonous mouth diarrhea and he decided to switch it up.  He got really tensed up about whatever drivel he was blabbing about and shot his laser beam eye sockets in my direction. Usually its someone else instead of me but NO. Today it was my turn to do the awkward Mexican eyeball stand-off. Fuck. As his eyes grew larger and his voice louder I desperately wanted to scream "FUCK IT!" and run out of the classroom, its just that vomit-inducing type of awkward. On a typical day I'd sit in the front row to be a kiss-ass but this time it really back-fired in my face... literally. I'll would way rather sit in the back, lest I am forced to do Matrix style maneuvers to avoid your spittle as it flies out of your face. He purposely pronounces the word Paris as "Paree"  or mature as "matoor", gahhhhd shut uppppp we know you're educated and shit no need to tap dance while you're up there. Amidst dodging your spit bullets, I am writing as fast as I can (since he does not allow us to use a computer to take notes) and I can feel my creeping carpal tunnel syndrome in my wrist...for which I will hate him forever. I quickly glanced away to escape his corneas but my efforts were futile. A whole 7 seconds later I looked back up and to my horror he was still staring at me sending death beams of boredom to my brain. When he's not off on a tangent his head seems to bobble to the beat of his voice. Or when he's not speaking directly to me, he is pacing back and forth walking to and fro from his podium to the desks. In reality he's just getting his eye level genitalia farrrrr to close to my face as I tremble in the front row. But usually I spend more time thinking about this ginger I pass on my way to class...perhaps the weirdest looking human being on the face of this earth. I must be friends with it. You could probably write a screen play on the weird shit that floats around his dome. I would legit take up the hobby of watercolors just to paint him, like Leo did.