Classroom Bitches

Bob Dole and John McCain's love-child aka my teacher; a semi-bitter, youth-hating educator shuffled across the classroom. Humming but humming no particular song just doing it cause he damn pleases. I couldn't quite figure out why he was doing this, but then again as a lecturer it is ingrained in his being to love the sound of his own voice. Somewhere in his monotonous mouth diarrhea and he decided to switch it up.  He got really tensed up about whatever drivel he was blabbing about and shot his laser beam eye sockets in my direction. Usually its someone else instead of me but NO. Today it was my turn to do the awkward Mexican eyeball stand-off. Fuck. As his eyes grew larger and his voice louder I desperately wanted to scream "FUCK IT!" and run out of the classroom, its just that vomit-inducing type of awkward. On a typical day I'd sit in the front row to be a kiss-ass but this time it really back-fired in my face... literally. I'll would way rather sit in the back, lest I am forced to do Matrix style maneuvers to avoid your spittle as it flies out of your face. He purposely pronounces the word Paris as "Paree"  or mature as "matoor", gahhhhd shut uppppp we know you're educated and shit no need to tap dance while you're up there. Amidst dodging your spit bullets, I am writing as fast as I can (since he does not allow us to use a computer to take notes) and I can feel my creeping carpal tunnel syndrome in my wrist...for which I will hate him forever. I quickly glanced away to escape his corneas but my efforts were futile. A whole 7 seconds later I looked back up and to my horror he was still staring at me sending death beams of boredom to my brain. When he's not off on a tangent his head seems to bobble to the beat of his voice. Or when he's not speaking directly to me, he is pacing back and forth walking to and fro from his podium to the desks. In reality he's just getting his eye level genitalia farrrrr to close to my face as I tremble in the front row. But usually I spend more time thinking about this ginger I pass on my way to class...perhaps the weirdest looking human being on the face of this earth. I must be friends with it. You could probably write a screen play on the weird shit that floats around his dome. I would legit take up the hobby of watercolors just to paint him, like Leo did.