Final Bitches

Finals. Not only finals but finals in worthless classes. Business calculus, 'nuff said. The letter "B" sends a shiver down my spine unless it is finished correctly with "-itch" at the end. Because we all know that my failure to learn (or be taught) derivatives correctly will end up some disaster of epic proportions. Planets will fall out of the sky, cats and dogs having babies, Michael Jackson will go back to being black, all sorts of crazy shit. My contribution to mathematics that I would have had later on in life will suffer, which could have one day calculated some sort of equation for world peace or the cure for bicyclists. The test is cumulative? Right, because I didn't understand it on the first test, you're gunna spank me cause I don't know it this time again. You do know that I have four other finals and you're still going to do this to me? But of course you already knew that. But at a private Christian school such as Pepperdine, its soooo much more than that. Its not only that I don't understand Business Calculus, in reality the devil has sucked my soul through my butt. "B-?!" Next thing you know they'll douse me with holy water and be compelling my soul by the power of Christ. And thats another thing...I actually get graded on my drawings of Jesus and other "reflections on Christ". I'm not bitching about that though, cause this bitch can draw a mean middle aged Jesus and I Aced that shit. Finals encourage the use of over the counter crack a.k.a. adderall, it can also induce insomnia and panic attacks. As well as a serious case of acne and weight gain for those who aren't cracked out and turn to a tub of Ben and Jerry's for comfort (fatties). I have bed sores from sitting in a cubicle, I kid you not. Oh and since when was the word "library", code word for loud-annoying-bitches? Take you're sewing circle elsewhere! I'm here to learn Calculus and enjoy it! It also forces semi-sane people like myself to go off the deep end, living solely off of gallons of iced coffee, packs of cigarettes and ONE jar of extra crunchy peanut butter for a week. I dare you to go up to someone who works for a "shmuisness" and inquire, "Do you know what the partial second derivative of 'x' is in respect to..." and before you can finish that sentence, the mofo will hit you with a fuckin' upper cut and a kick in the crotch. Then he'll begin to seize on the ground and as you go to help him off the ground, he then darts away screaming and ripping off all of his clothes. It's like they say about acid, after you take it you store all that crazy shit until you are reminded of it years later. I think my flashbacks will fall in place nicely sometime near my imminent middle aged crisis. 

A Bitch about Religion

This was sent in, a little bitchy rant about his bitch fight with religion. Insightful for those who say pooh-pooh on jebus. I for one, believe in G-d although he can put a bitch in her place sometimes, you know what I sayin'? But here she goes-->

By the time I was in 8th grade I had more or less come to the conclusion that religion was a complete farce. I had too many questions, and religion had an even more impressive list of ambiguous “answers”. These days I spend quite a bit of time bending my mind around the notion of religion, but more in it’s ability to blind and inhibit free thought and one’s own independence. Religion is a tool of conformity and a catalyst for a moral society. To me, religion is but an excuse for mankind’s unending pursuit of the impossible- for immortality, or to live forever. But nothing lives forever. Sure, religion could be plausible if the world was all that was, and ever would be. But it isn’t, and most people are too ignorant and concerned with their own lives to realize that, let alone think it. Imagine a galaxy as a pea, well there are enough galaxies, or peas, to fill a football stadium. Earth resides in the Milky Way, but one of those peas. How can life not exist on one planet of one other galaxy? We would be awfully selfish to think the contrary. Death is inevitable. Planets die, even stars. One day, in the distant future, our sun will burn out. Our sun is the most legitimate of all gods or religions. Without the sun, our or any existence would be impossible. Most Christians in America forget that other religions even exist, but in reality Muslims far outnumber believers in Jesus Christ. Who’s to say whose religion is the right one? Do you really believe that bad deeds will land you in Hell, a fiery inferno imbedded in the depths of Earth? Or do you believe in a utopia far above the clouds where you will reside for an eternity? Religion coincides directly with today’s society and it’s mantra. We work, work, work, but for what? To make as much green paper as possible to buy things we really don’t even need. The things that mean most in life cant be bought by paper, and if you haven’t learned that you have no business reading this. But hey, you’re going to heaven right? No. Think about life for one second without religion. Your treasure isn’t in heaven, it’s right here. Thoreau’s Walden made clear these thoughts that plagued my mind as a child. It all just didn’t make sense. As Thoreau said, “the life of a working man is a fool’s life, as he will realize once he gets to the end of it”. I’m not renouncing work, for I wouldn’t be anywhere without working, and I wouldn’t forfeit my education for anything. It’s education that landed me where I am today, and why I’m typing this now. The point is, that I’ll be damned if I get to the end of this life and wish I had done it any different, because this is my life and this is all I have. As Bob Dylan once said to a reporter, “What do we really know? Nothing. One day you will die and the world will go on without you. Now, how can you take anything you do seriously knowing that?” Simply put, I believe in the real and in what is tangible, not in the supernatural. If you see life the way I do, someone who worships and stakes their life on the belief of a man who had supernatural powers, is far crazier than I am. If anything, I only wish that people would think on a larger scale than that of their own lives, which are in essence, meaningless in the grand scheme of things. We are fed bullshit from the day we are born. If you go your whole life accepting and adopting the ideals bestowed upon you without questioning their origin, purpose, or legitimacy, you are an idiot. Thomas Paine (who saw science as the true theology), arguably had the greatest influence in pushing colonial America toward independence, and said, “I believe in the equality of man; and I believe that religious duties consist in doing justice, loving mercy, and endeavoring to make our fellow-creatures happy.” Now, this is “religion”, or at least what it ought to be.

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?"
-Blair

Facebook Bitches

ATTN: Facebook and Myspace "models". No one cares, except me. I care because I know its not going to be good day if I haven't logged on to Facebook and been able to pop a few blood vessels in my eyes in choking uncontrollable laughter. You brighten up my day. I must say I'm jealous, I wont lie to you. I'm jealous that you have hours of free time in preparation for your iphoto-shoot and hours of free time to photoshop the shit out of it afterwards. I'm jealous that you have more friends than me or at least you think so for the reason that you use the amount of photo comments you get as an indicator of who you are. The oops-you-caught-me face isn't fooling anyone, your macbook doesn't accidentally take a picture of you in your bra and if it did, it would crack up in laughter and say, "hahahah I'm just kidding bitch, imma delete it. no one wants to see that shit". It'd be right. I mean I don't mean to be a bitch or anything, but if you like looking obnoxious in pictures or film, go get a job on the Disney channel or something.

Bicycle Bitches

Living in a wealthy community such as Malibu it is only right that we have and will continue to be one of the leaders in the greater Los Angeles Area in funding research for widespread diseases. Well have your heard about Bicyclists? Oh yes, its this new disease where human beings have actually fused together with black/and or multi-color spandex and ride aimlessly into oncoming traffic. Perhaps their inner-ears have been damaged causing serious Vertigo and they are unaware of where they are going or that they are acting like a car. Or maybe they're born with it or maybe its the spandex cutting off circulation to their brains, perhaps blood flow is being rerouting to their over-sized calves. Who knows! I'll def have to Web MD that shit, cause I know I'll need an excuse for my insurance company as to why I should NOT be responsible for my imminent car crash caused by fucking bicyclists acting like they own the road. Not only must we find a cure for this epidemic, but take preventative measures to ensure these two-wheeling granola eating dipshits are off the road for good. I'm thinking castration, immediately stopping the production of spandex, quarantine (to stop the further spread of) or sending them to the Isle of Lepers. Systematic elimination would be the last resort. This sickness is spreading in the media and among celebrities and is influencing youth as well as middle aged men. The funny thing is, is that they have nowhere to be (indicated by the time of day they're biking around, which would be...all day or mainly during prime-clusterfuck of PCH traffic) and therefore should be in no hurry to cut me off and take up the entire lane. Get a motorcycle or something, something thats cool with a side car or an extra seat to put some hot bitch who looks like Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter. When you pass them they look at you like "how dare you"...how dare I? Uh, have you heard of the bike lane? Hence the name...BIKE in YOUR lane or get a car. So please folks, join me in raising money to cure this wretched bicycle disease before it spreads to your loved one.

Frat Bitches

"Didn't you wear that shirt on Tuesday?"...said the knuckle-dragging neanderthalistic (I made that word up) frat boy when I walked past him today. Speechless. I was effing speechless. DON'T YOU WEAR THAT STUPID FACE EVERYDAY? And you actually wear that same dirty fugly ass hat backwards or sideways each day in class, but I don't call you out on your fashion faux-pas. Or the polo you wear with such wanna-be swagger, complete with oakleys (bahahahha) neatly hung on your collar and flip-flops. I wanted to kick him in the vajay. Thats right...vajay. Because only a female would notice something such as a clothing double-dip in the same week. I don't know your name, I don't know where you come from, BUT I guarantee I do know you're listening to Avril Lavigne's "Sk8ter Boi" on your ipod right now. As I felt the pig's blood run down my face I waited for my telekinesis to kick in, much to my dismay it did not. I would have really liked for him to fall down the stairs (don't worry he would have safely landed on one of his 12 packs of fat) and roll away into the Pacific.