Bicycle Bitches

Living in a wealthy community such as Malibu it is only right that we have and will continue to be one of the leaders in the greater Los Angeles Area in funding research for widespread diseases. Well have your heard about Bicyclists? Oh yes, its this new disease where human beings have actually fused together with black/and or multi-color spandex and ride aimlessly into oncoming traffic. Perhaps their inner-ears have been damaged causing serious Vertigo and they are unaware of where they are going or that they are acting like a car. Or maybe they're born with it or maybe its the spandex cutting off circulation to their brains, perhaps blood flow is being rerouting to their over-sized calves. Who knows! I'll def have to Web MD that shit, cause I know I'll need an excuse for my insurance company as to why I should NOT be responsible for my imminent car crash caused by fucking bicyclists acting like they own the road. Not only must we find a cure for this epidemic, but take preventative measures to ensure these two-wheeling granola eating dipshits are off the road for good. I'm thinking castration, immediately stopping the production of spandex, quarantine (to stop the further spread of) or sending them to the Isle of Lepers. Systematic elimination would be the last resort. This sickness is spreading in the media and among celebrities and is influencing youth as well as middle aged men. The funny thing is, is that they have nowhere to be (indicated by the time of day they're biking around, which would be...all day or mainly during prime-clusterfuck of PCH traffic) and therefore should be in no hurry to cut me off and take up the entire lane. Get a motorcycle or something, something thats cool with a side car or an extra seat to put some hot bitch who looks like Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter. When you pass them they look at you like "how dare you"...how dare I? Uh, have you heard of the bike lane? Hence the name...BIKE in YOUR lane or get a car. So please folks, join me in raising money to cure this wretched bicycle disease before it spreads to your loved one.